2. I Won't Give Up

When I woke up next, I immediately got to work on my duties as a baby. For starters, I had to cry.

"Ngya, ngyaaa, fugyaa!"

This is hard. I sound a bit too frail. One more time.

"Gya, ngyaaa, gyaa!"

Alright, that felt powerful. I don't have a watch, but I've cried for about five minutes and I'm exhausted, so I'll take a break. Even so, it's a truly hopeless house, with no one coming even though the baby is crying.

Now, next is training to move my limbs. I'm covered by a futon, but I'll manage somehow. Come on, right hand. Oh, my left hand moved. Come on, left hand. Oh, my legs moved twice. 'I see, babies still can't move quite the way they want to,' I thought to myself as I struggled to move my limbs, and before I knew it, the futon had slipped away and I had fallen into an exhausted sleep.

Baby life is unpredictable; whenever I try to move my hands, I somehow end up punching myself, or I accidentally grab whatever is near my hands, leaving my clothes a complete mess.

I'd laugh at the ceiling even when no one was watching, or scream at the top of my lungs even when no one came; still, no one ever visited except for the wet nurse, the person who cleans the room, and the person who gives me baths, and it has probably been about three months now.

How do I know? Because my neck has become steady, and while I still can't roll over, I've become able to move side to side quite a bit. Since my limbs are gradually moving the way I want them to, I've been able to kick the mattress and move toward the top of the bed. Well, I can't go back to how I was, so I'm stuck in this pathetic state until someone comes.

To make my expressions more expressive, I talk and smile at the person who feeds me, the person who bathes me, and even the person who cleans and changes my sheets. What a brave little baby.

I've become truly close to Martha, the one who feeds me.

"You're such a sweet child, laughing and babbling like that even though you're left all alone."

She carries me around the room while she walks, so sometimes I get to see out the window. Outside, everything is green, with a vast lawn and what looks like a well-tended garden.

Perhaps because she has raised several children, Martha, who holds and soothes me, is a kind soul who responds properly to even my most senseless babbling.

That said, I never actually make eye contact with the person bathing me. In fact, I usually end up getting scolded instead.

"You're a noisy little thing. Quite the opposite of the clever Lord Luke."

Because of comments like that, I managed to learn that I have an older brother named Luke, which was a small victory for me.

"It's all your fault Lady Claire passed away; it's such a pity for both the Head of the House and Lord Luke."

With that, she begins scrubbing me vigorously. Hey, I'm going to cry! A baby's skin is very delicate, you know.

"Stop it. We're the ones who'll get in trouble if you get hurt."

"But it's not like the Head of the House or Lord Luke are even coming to visit."

"Lord Luke is at the academy."

"The academy is in the capital too though, so he could come home if he wanted to. They both loved Lady Claire so much, after all. They probably can't even bear the thought of seeing her."

I see. So my brother is attending school. That would make him quite a bit older, then. While soaking in the bath, I moved my body vigorously and splashed the water.

"Good grief, I'm soaking wet! You little brat!"

A three-month-old baby can't exactly be a brat. Malice is something only adults possess.

Actually, I'd soaked her on purpose. Serves them right. This baby has a tiny bit of malice in her, too. As I grinned, she shouted

"...creepy child!"

Since she couldn't exactly leave me unattended, I was dressed thoroughly before the maid went on her way. Phew, I'm exhausted.

Good children are supposed to sleep at night, but babies can't stay asleep for very long. Even so, Martha stopped coming at night quite early on. It couldn't be helped; Martha had her own life to lead.

Because of that, I would often wake up in the middle of the night feeling hungry or uncomfortable due to a wet diaper. Babies don't exactly live by a regular schedule. However, I wouldn't cry or make a fuss during the night. I was an adult once, after all; I wouldn't want to be a nuisance at night.

Then, during one of those quiet nights when I was awake, I noticed it. Someone had opened the door and entered the room.

The only light in the room was the faint glow coming through the window. The master said, "Keep her alive" so there shouldn't be anyone who would do anything to me. Even so, a shadow approached me while I sat frozen with tension, and then gently lifted me up,

"Lady Lilia."

...he said. Lilia. That was my name. A name that even Martha had never called me.

"Auu"

As the sound escaped my lips,

"Lady Lilia, you were awake. Then, please, let Sebas behold those beautiful eyes."

With that, he carried me toward the window.

"Ah, the pale violet of the Marquis's house."

The elderly man smiled sorrowfully at me; despite the late hour, he was dressed formally, his gray hair slicked back. I said,

"Ee-uuu."

と話しかけた。

"Lady Lilia, Lady Lilia."

Gently rocking me, the person called my name as if in song. Lilia. It felt good to hear my name spoken.

"Your mother, Lady Claire, said that if the child was a girl, she should be named Lilia, and if a boy, Lilum. That is why you are Lilia."

And so, we paced slowly around the room.

"Those slightly lowered eyebrows, that beautiful eye shape, even that tiny little nose—if only the hair and eyes were brown, you would be the spitting image of Lady Claire. Why does no one notice?"

Muttering to himself, he gave my back a gentle pat. I drifted off into a pleasant sleep, thinking to myself, so Mother had brown eyes. And so,

“I only hope they realize soon that they are about to lose their most precious treasure to their grief.”

I thought I heard Sebas say something like that, but I cannot be certain.

I am not always awake at night, but whenever I am, Sebas is sure to come by. I realized that the reason my blankets are always tucked in properly is because he visits me.

Sebas would talk endlessly about Father and my brother, and about what kind of person Mother was. He told me that Mother was a second wife, and that Father's first wife had divorced him three years after giving birth to my brother because their relationship had soured. Hearing that, I couldn't help but think that with Father's temperament, it was no wonder she left him.

Then he spoke of how Father had married Mother for love. Mother was a kind, playful soul who was always teasing Father. She doted on my brother as well, and he was very attached to her.

That my brother has no desire to return to the manor without Mother, and that he spends his weekends in the academy dormitories.

That the servants try to avoid mentioning me to them, as the two of them grieve so deeply.

In a sense, it was a story of neglect, and while I felt there was little point in telling such things to a mere infant, if it brought Sebas peace, then so be it. I could feel his tender affection for Mother and his love for me, so I thought he could tell me as much as he liked.

Besides, I was happy to hear stories about the Mother I never had the chance to meet in this life.

"Aaa-ee"

"Eee-oo"

"Daa-uuh"

As I dutifully echoed his sounds, Sebas smiled at me with a tender expression.

If Martha and Sebas hadn't been there, a normal baby might have grown up without a smile due to a lack of affection. But I died having been loved enough, and even now, I live a vibrant life, supplementing the little affection I have with love for myself. Since I was given the chance to be reborn, I have no intention of giving up on living.